Now What?

Surgery Again??

Yes, that's right. Thursday, Feb. 21 (the day after I turn 46) I will have my 31st surgery. (sigh). Dr. Karl Raynor is going to go in and remove some more bone and the bone stimulator (looks like AA battery with a bunch of wires coming from it).

I found out Tuesday that there is a reason for the tremendous pain I am having in my leg/ankle/foot. The tip of the fibula (smaller lower leg bone) which had been cut off at a sharp angle is growing into the tibia (larger lower leg bone) trying to form a pseudojoint.

What does all that mean? P-A-I-N!!!

It's been over 3 weeks of constant Level 8 pain with spikes of "drop me to my knees" 9.5! I don't ever use the 10, because I think it can ALWAYS be worse.

The last month of increasing pain has been hard on me, and my family as I can not do as much as I used to. So I am glad that I will be having the surgery soon.

The Battlefield of the Mind

I remember the first battleline decision: I must put myself on the crutches again. My "stinkin' thinkin'" would have me believe that this would be proof that I am a failure; that I am weak and feeble; going backwards instead of forward.

My pain management tools are starting to kick in, as I reminded myself that I need to take care of my body and forget about what others may think or say about me being back on crutches. Once the decision was made, I just did it!

My frustration grew as my "to do list" had more and more things left unchecked at the end of the day. My house became more and more disorganized and neglected. This all came at a time when the application deadline was very close for a part-time job that I'd been praying over for a month. I had concerns over transportation and the undependability of my body. God clearly shut the door on that one. So He has something even better.

However, if I had a say-so, I wouldn't have pegged another surgery as the next step in my career preparedness work. Still, after so much recovery time experience with Him I totally trust Him and His direction.

Lessons Being Learned

One great lesson that I have learned in my twenty years of my plans being frustrated . . . God IS ALWAYS in Control !! When I get to the point of saying ... "now what?" out of desperation instead of just curiously seeking God's input on what I'd like to do.... then, and only then is the time that God knows He has my FULL attention and will do ANYTHING that He wants me to do.

What He often wants me to DO, is to just BE. OOOOH, that's so hard for me! I grew up believing that performance is how I was measured. I truly enjoyed overachievement. So His cure for my wrong thinking was to have me just stop. He caused me to "be still and know that I am God."

That is not all. He continues to teach me that I am special, just as I am. He loves me like this!? It doesn't matter what THINGS I accomplish, what success I build up, etc. God has taught me it's my relationship with Him and reliance upon His provision that is the most precious. . . my true treasure.

The grace He continues to show me as He helps me to see myself, not as I think: but as God says!
Now THAT is powerful!
I still don't claim to understand it. I truly have to WORK at it... correcting my wrong thinking and poor self-esteem. But how do I do it? With the TRUTH which is found in the Word of God.

So for now, I am going to be in a time of resting in the loving arms of our Lord. Allowing Him to love me. The little lamb with the broken leg being carried by the Great Shepherd.